Not every day can be a good day. This simple truth is something I have struggled with since my diagnosis.
I truly believe that the changes I made brought me out of my year-long flare. I spend almost all of my limited free time maintaining the medicinal, lifestyle, and dietary routines necessary to keep me healthy. Since I dedicate so much time to my health, I should reap the rewards every moment of every day of the year, right? I should be skipping through meadows and reminiscing about when I used to suffer from a chronic illness. That would be nice. 🙂
While my investment severely minimizes the bad days, it definitely does not eliminate them.
I feel a little guilty even addressing this subject as I am about to celebrate a YEAR in remission. I had a great gastro visit last week in which my doctor literally patted me on the back. This great gastro check-in used to seem like an impossibility. At this time last year I was debating turning down my acceptance to graduate school, thinking about canceling my wedding, and talking with my doctor about surgical intervention. Every morning, when I head to school after kissing my husband goodbye, I thank the Lord for my health. I am truly thankful for this last year, but some days I am still left wondering what life would be like without UC.
The day after my amazing doctor’s visit I began feeling pain, body aches, and nausea. While I wasn’t experiencing a flare I knew I was headed that direction. My body definitely needed my next Remicade infusion. I felt defeated, and I started wondering what I had done to ruin my health. I began blaming myself for how I felt, for not being stronger, and for spending the day on the couch when I really needed to be in the library. I was pretty far down the path of self-blame when I remembered…
I have a chronic illness.
Yes, my “bad” days now are the days I used to pray for during a flare, but I am still allowed to have days where I can’t keep up with everyone else. Even though I am doing extremely well, there will always be days when I feel terrible. My body is constantly attacking itself. On these bad days, I need to step back and let my body recover. It is impossible to do everything correctly all the time, and even if I follow every hypothesis on how to keep a body with UC healthy, every day is not going to be a good day.
The bad days, no matter how often or how sparse, will always be around. And that is ok!
I have to stop trying to find the perfect combination of diet and lifestyle that will provide me with unlimited energy and no symptoms. I have an autoimmune disorder. My body will always be attacking itself and sometimes I have to give myself the time it needs to adjust. While my diet is helpful it cannot heal me. I can provide my body with the best weapons possible, but I am not going to win every battle. My goal is to win the war.
Basically, the whole point of this post is…
When you have an off-day, do not beat yourself up. It happens. Your body is fighting off a whole host of internal attacks every day. It is ok to ask for help and realize you cannot do it all, even if you are in a much better place than you have been in the past. Take a day or two to sit back and recover. Then, get back out there and fight. While not every day can be a good day, the majority definitely can.
Even on the bad days there is something to celebrate… like the fact that my puppy loves me enough to give me his most prized possession… on my face…. during my nap… in his own cute attempt to cure me.
